The thing I forgot to put in my last update, which I need to touch on, is the constant urge to delete this whole thing. Writing what I’m thinking. Revealing details that I would normally keep to myself. Dropping the anonymity of being a chosen common word and writing under my real name. The whole thing makes me feel very vulnerable.
I’m not trying to delude myself. I know that there is a good chance nobody is reading this but still the idea of somebody being able to Google Charlie Roth and stumble upon this, it makes me uneasy. I’m putting myself out there and internet can be a messed up place when it wants to be.
What has been going on since my last update?
I need to go back a little bit. When I first started setting up all of this, I was in a radio contest. I didn’t think I had a chance since I made my submission over the course of two hours, late one night. A few days later, somebody told me, on the forum I post on, that they played my clip and I was a finalist. I almost thought they were messing with me but I tracked down the show and sure enough, I was one of sixteen finalist.
That’s cool. Better than I was expecting. They played my clip and said my name on the air. Not many people can say that.
Around this time, I was starting to get back on my feet. I put myself on a small schedule. I eliminated negative things from my life. I was doing stuff in real life. I was registering the trytranscend domain, setting up this blog and preparing to dust off an old plan I put on the shelf due to lack of funding after almost a year of spinning my wheels. Things were turning around. I was feeling better.
The issue started when that 16 became 12 and that 12 became 6. I was still in the running. With each elimination, my confidence grew. What was once a long shot was shaping up to be a sure bet.
When they made it to six, the brakes were hit on almost everything in my life. The schedule, any forward motion, gone. I was listening live every day as they continued to put off the contest. So I would listen to the show on after them and watch TV. Play around on B&H coming up with what I would spend the two thousand on. I put together the perfect camera set up. Two thousand dollars would get me a professional camcorder, the extended battery and a 32GB memory card. I would need an extra five hundred for the XLR adapter plus a phantom powered shotgun microphone but I figured I could sell some things I owned to get the money for that. The end number was almost double what the original setup I put together a year ago was but this was professional gear. I would be able to do everything I dreamed of and even more.
During this, I started regressing. Doing things I previously eliminated. Not doing anything of value. Staying up insanely late and waking up after a few hours of sleep. I tracked down the rules for the contest and saw that the winner would have to call in to talk on the air. Even though I knew they would most likely hang up on the winner after saying hello, I began to run through conversations in my head. What I would say. What I would cover. How to avoid certain subjects. Ways to bounce out of the call if things were going wrong without looking like a douche. Days were lost as I went down this road, waited and told myself that the contest was in the bag.
The big day began with me waking up at 9. (The show starts at 6AM) I figured after being burned so much before, if they were going to do the contest, they would do it later. I put my headphones to be greeted by them saying that they picked the winner. I jumped on the forums to try and find more information. As time went on, I realized I didn’t win. It hurt but I was curious to hear what happened. What happened hurt even worse than not winning.
I not only didn’t make the final three but they didn’t even play my clip that day. The six went down to three off the air. Same with them choosing the winner. No playing the clips again. No debating on who should win or who they should eliminate. Just a quick “hey, here’s the runner-ups, here’s the winner” before moving on.
I can’t describe how angry I was. After days of putting it off, this was what they went with? It was insulting.
So, the past six days (it feels like so many more) have been recovery. Two days of feeling like shit and watching movies. Putting my original plan back on the shelf. Picking back up my writing. Trying to move on. That two thousand would have been a gamechanger.
April 26-May 3 was when I first found out that I was a finalist to them knocking down to the final six
May 4-May 11 was the wait from them going from the final six to the winner
May 11-May 17 was my time to sulk and put together the pieces
I know what you may be thinking, you went through all that over the possibility of winning two thousand dollars? Yes. If you don’t know me, I have never held a real job. Shortly after high school, I went to New Orleans after Katrina on the promise of big money. I pushed myself as hard as I could, it didn’t pan out and the aftermath was bad. Got back in December, unconsciously tried to kill myself on Christmas. It was a dark period for years where I was doing nothing but posting online and watching movies. I was playing a shell game with the money I earned along with, admittedly, taking massive advantage of my parents. I had things I was working towards but they were just excuses for my behavior. When I was forced to acknowledge that, after another failure, my life became a sad period with no real escape. I would waste away the small part of the day I was awake posting online, walk the dog before the sun went down and play Team Fortress 2 all night as I listened to the radio.
(Although it wasn’t all doom and gloom during that time. I did visit a friend out of state three times along with seeing Nine Inch Nails four times.)
Things got better though. We moved. The bad things that kept me in a bad place went away for the most part. I got back into movies. I realized that I didn’t need all of the shit I accumulated. I started to sell stuff off. I started to stand on my own two feet, taking less money from my parents (now it is nothing besides the room I live in and food). I put together a true plan. Something that would make me happy. Something where even if it didn’t pan out I would be happy.
I was forced to put it on the shelf after being unable to get the funds together after almost a year. I decided to try again with writing. This time, not reviews, not short stories but a full length screenplay. The radio contest had me put that on the backburner but now it is now back to my main priority.
I plan to continue working on my writing and doing various things in reality. That’s about all I can do at this point. I’ll continue to try and better myself. No matter how bad it gets or how bad you feel, you have to keep pressing on. There is no other choice.